Say ‘Good night!’ and Go

I am all fine now. No worries. I needed to unleash all my pent-up frustrations and wallow in self-pity (and no, it wasn’t just about him). While I did shed a few tears, they weren’t enough to result in swollen, reddish eyes that would have indicated to my parents what I was going through.

My plan worked. My inner creepiness did get him to be frank with me. He had written some things in his first (and probably the last) letter to me which I took literally. He was actually trying to be playful by mentioning things like ‘grandkids’. Well, I didn’t exactly plan all of this. Perhaps my subconscious took over because I was done being in limbo. I couldn’t talk to him on YM because he never did log on. I tried e-mailing him and those ended up unreplied (only because he hadn’t checked his e-mail). I had to do something and I admit it was a little extreme. Extremely creepy. But not Glenn-Close-Fatal-Attraction-Bunny-Boiling creepy. To his benefit, he was apologetic and admitted his mistakes. He still wanted to be friends (but with my confession that I had done it to find out what the situation was - who knows what he wants now).

Whatever happens, I’ll just go with the flow. Let’s hope I get a job at that resort on the island and I can look forward to fresh starts. Meeting new people (who aren’t younger than me), getting a salary again…

I found a protected post that I had written about him and the last line went something like this: “You can’t lose something you never had, can you?” And that is so true. And that is why I’m back to being me.

Hamburg Song
- Keane

I don’t wanna be adored
Don’t wanna be first in line
Or make myself heard
I’d like to bring a little light
To shine a light on your life
To make you feel loved

No, don’t wanna be the only one you know
I wanna be the place you call home

I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don’t want to know
I give much more
Than I’d ever ask for

Will you see me in the end
Or is it just a waste of time
Trying to be your friend
Just shine, shine, shine
Shine a little light
Shine a light on my life
Warm me up again

Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all
You know that it could be so simple

I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don’t want to know
You take much more
Than I’d ever ask for

Say a word or two to brighten my day
Do you think that you could see your way

To lay yourself down
And make it so, but you don’t want to know
You take much more
Than I’d ever ask for

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** This song always makes me cry because it’s so true! I’ve always given more than I ever asked for. *tears up*

What Would I Give?
- Christina Rossetti (1864)

What would I give for a heart of flesh to warm me thro’,
Instead of this heart of stone ice-cold whatever I do;
Hard and cold and small, of all hearts the worst of all.

What would I give for words, if only words would come;
But now in its misery my spirit has fallen dumb:
Oh, merry friends, go your own way, I have never a word to say.

What would I give for tears, not smiles but scalding tears,
To wash the black mark clean, and to thaw the frost of years,
To wash the stain ingrain and to make me clean again.

=================================================

L. E. L. (Whose Heart Was Breaking For A Little Love)
- Christina Rossetti (1859)

Downstairs I laugh, I sport and jest with all;
But in my solitary room above
I turn my face in silence to the wall;
My heart is breaking for a little love.
Tho’ winter frosts are done,
And birds pair every one,
And leaves peep out, for springtide is begun.

I feel no spring, while spring is wellnigh blown,
I find no nest, while nests are in the grove:
Woe’s me for mine own heart that dwells alone,
My heart that breaketh for a little love.
While golden in the sun
Rivulets rise and run,
While lilies bud, for springtide is begun.

All love, are loved, save only I; their hearts
Beat warm with love and joy, beat full thereof:
They cannot guess, who play the pleasant parts,
My heart is breaking for a little love.
While beehives wake and whirr,
And rabbit thins his fur,
In living spring that sets the world astir.

I deck myself with silks and jewelry,
I plume myself like any mated dove:
They praise my rustling show, and never see
My heart is breaking for a little love.
While sprouts green lavender
With rosemary and myrrh,
For in quick spring the sap is all astir.

Perhaps some saints in glory guess the truth,
Perhaps some angels read it as they move,
And cry one to another full of ruth,
‘Her heart is breaking for a little love.’
Tho’ other things have birth,
And leap and sing for mirth,
When springtime wakes and clothes and feeds the earth.

Yet saith a saint: ‘Take patience for thy scathe;’
Yet saith an angel: ‘Wait, for thou shalt prove
True best is last, true life is born of death,
O thou, heart-broken for a little love.
Then love shall fill thy girth,
And love make fat thy dearth,
When new spring builds new heaven and clean new earth.’

I missed a call on my handphone yesterday. I noticed the SMS notifying me of a voice message and someone from a courier company informed me that I had a document from KL for me. What kind of courier company calls their customer to pick up their stuff? Isn’t delivery supposed to be right to your doorstep? Maybe the sender didn’t have enough money for that and I have to ‘pay’ for it. I did try calling them back, but I got their voicemail instead. Dad’s going to get it for me in the morning - he’s always in town in the mornings.

I’m wondering what kind of document/letter addressed to me from KL could it possibly be. I won that metal keychain - surely it isn’t categorized as a document?

I got (highly) emotionally invested with this fellow after ‘knowing’ (to put it loosely) him online for over a year. Can’t really say it was a full year because he kept going AWOL on me. Since I’m not really expecting anything due to the fact that we haven’t actually met, it didn’t bother me.

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Apart from changing the theme of this blog yet again (I’m trying to find something that’s easy on the eyes - the previous theme made it difficult [at least to me] to leave a comment because the font colour of the fields was similar to the background colour). I had my hair cut yesterday! It’s much shorter, and layered at the bottom.

And now for my Dad’s supernatural encounter. Copied and pasted from an earlier forum post of mine.

On the fourth night that my Dad was at my sis’ place, he went into the bathroom to have his shower (this was around 11pm). He noticed that the water in the pail was milky/soapy (as if the soap had fallen in). As he was showering, he realized that the soap was missing. It wasn’t in the pail. He figured that one of the kids must have dropped the soap into the loo. No matter, he found a smaller bar of soap to use. After his shower, he decided to pour the milky water out from the pail and rinse it. Then he added clean water into the pail. With that done, he went to sleep. At around 4am, he woke up to use the loo. He went in and….

The water in the pail was milky again and the missing SOAP was in it!!! *shiver* *cue twilight zone music*

From that day onwards, he kept wearing his crucifix. And then my 4yo nephew, Kyle asked him if ghosts existed a few days later. Not wanting to scare the little kid, he pooh-poohed at the idea. And then Kyle said, “I know ghosts are real, I saw one!” Then he recounted his experience in THAT room. He saw floating black balls in the corner of the room. When he closed his eyes, he saw a monster that went “Arrghhh!!!” and when he reopened his eyes, the black balls had decreased in size. He said that the maid had witnessed the event too. *shiver*

Sometime around 3:55pm, I heard the sound of a motorcycle beeping (from my room). I knew then that one of the items that I had won bids for had arrived. I raced out of my room, unlocked the door and there was the Poslaju man. It was my iPod shuffle! I happily wrote my particulars and signed the piece of paper before rushing back into the house (it was so hot!) with my package. I tore open the packaging and I couldn’t believe how small it was! I must have been grinning from ear to ear while checking out the contents of the iPod container. Earbud covers, stickers, ooohhh…

Before I could upgrade my copy of iTunes, my handphone suddenly rang. It was the courier guy, saying that he was outside my gate. Again, I rushed out and signed that piece of paper. It was my Plasma Light! Well, I had seen something like this the last time I visited my best bud, Dora. We were in some small shop at 1Utama and the light was a small little thing not worth the RM40 (if memory serves me) price tag. I think it was even on sale that time. I wanted it, but the price just wasn’t worth it. I am so glad I rediscovered that local auction site and bought it for RM5 (not inclusive the RM19 shipping cost). It’s so mesmerizing to see the sparks flowing. Ooohhh…

It’s a happy day! I have two new toys to play with. Now, if I only had 240 songs to add into my iPod. XD I don’t care about not having a screen. I just want to listen to songs, after all.

In my next post, I’ll share a ghostly experience. As told by my Dad.

My Dad texted this message to me: “Hi, wl b back 2moro, leavng at 9:30am by bus.” I replied with an ‘okay’ and went to sleep.

I woke up some time in the morning and only remembered to tell Mum that Dad was coming home today on the 9:30am bus. So at around 4.30pm-5pm, Mum was all dressed and waiting for Dad to call. Nothing by 5:30pm, so Mum asked me to text Dad asking him where he was. I didn’t get a reply. Quite anxious now, as he should have arrived by then. I checked the message and then realized that he had sent the message at 7:28am this morning! He was arriving tomorrow! To confirm, Mum called my sis’ house (where Dad was) and sure enough, he was indeed returning home tomorrow! Mum was really annoyed, because she had planned to go to town to buy her broom and mop (the handle broke). While she was on the phone, I started laughing because it was quite amusing once I thought about it. Then I told Mum to tell Dad not to text me messages so early in the morning. Hehehe.

I do believe that my addled brain registered the morning when I received the message as the night before because I had gone back to sleep! XD